Paradoxes of solitude or How I uncovered the root of my limiting belief system in Hamburg

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31. January 2020

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to enjoy a seminar about German literature in Hamburg. As a book lover & writer by night, I loved every single moment. We spoke about paradoxes of solitude in literature.

But not only the seminar was amazing. I met up with friends & unexpectedly with one of my lovely clients! 
This weekend was filled with learnings, aha-moments, laughter, sightseeing & a many, many memories.

This weekend made me dive deeper into my past and uncover the root of my limiting beliefs and my life out of alignment. 

How the deep dive started

I was sat in a cute café one morning before the seminar, sipping my black coffee and observing the people around me. I love that! Sitting in a bar or café all by myself, writing down my thoughts and observations. This is when I get the best ideas and inspirations.

Waiters usually ask if I am waiting for someone and when I answer: “No, it’s just me today”, they look puzzled. 

Today, I simply enjoy my own company. It is all I need and want sometimes, but I wasn’t like that from the beginning. And this is when it hit me – the root of all of my limiting beliefs and a life against my true nature started with the longing for solitude.

Paradoxes of solitude…

The topic of the seminar and a limiting belief of my life, that alienated me from my true nature very early. 

I grew up as an only child, but I am also an introvert. Where other children may have asked for a sibling to play with or looking for friends just to be surrounded by other children, I just played by myself – and I was more than happy to do that.

Being surrounded by children in kindergarten and also at school later, drained me. 

You see, solitude has a positive connotation for me. It was even seen as a privilege among writers and thinkers during the 19th century.

But people kept on telling me, I had to be more open and social in order to fit in and be normal – so I did and that is when I started pretending to be someone I am not.

A life out of alignment…

Living against my true nature, not allowing myself enough alone time to wind down and always trying to please the people around me and to fit in, disconnected me in a way, that even the plans for my future were totally out of alignment.

See, being told I was wrong, my true nature was wrong, I lost the trust in myself. And from one seemingly small situation, I started to live a life that wasn’t meant for me.

I chose my first studies based on what people suggested and thought was best for my future. I applied for jobs in big companies, because I was told it was the most secure way of making money. I never trusted myself with money!

And of course, even thinking I could create my own work, follow my creative passions and make money while doing what I love – not a chance I would have ever believed that!

In the end, and the end was in my 20ies, I did not know anymore who I was! 

Getting my life back…

This early event of feeling wrong, made me lose faith in my own decisions and my true nature. It made me feel like I was wrong in general and so I only trusted the judgement of other people and avoided making my own decisions. The feeling of unworthiness and insecurity showed up in every aspect of my life.

One night, I couldn’t go on like that anymore and it was the turning point for me!

I knew, I had to leave my old, unaligned life behind and start something new – so I did. But it took me years and a lot of mindset work to truly allow myself to live in alignment and to follow my creativity and nature. 

Today, I can say I live life the way I want to. I am in charge of every single decision and I trust myself – I even trust myself more than anyone else when it comes to making decisions for my own life. But you also see, that mindset work is nothing you do once and it is all fixed – it took me years and even today, I need to reflect and work on my belief system at times.

Still, I am beyond grateful for having taken the turn and remembered my true nature!

Believe me, there is a beautiful, creative life waiting for you as well!