It is Sunday April 19, 2020. A rainy and grey afternoon and I hear a rumble of thunder rolling in. I am sitting on my big and comfy bed, my sacred space during this quarantine, reflecting on the last days while listening to my dreamy playlist, sipping a crisp white wine & snacking pistachos and strawberries.
I enjoy the quiet streets, listening to the birds & watching the pigeons try and sit in the trees in front of my house, not realizing they are too heavy for some of the branches – it is hilarious.
But my last week was not easy. Everything felt heavy and I was very low in energy.
Not feeling very motivated to do anything, I had a lot of time to reflect. In between playing the violin, painting, showering, talking to friends & family, working, I also spent a good amount of time lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and think.
Practice what you preach
An unsettling feeling came up during one of my staring-at-ceiling-sessions.
I speak so much about self-love and yes, I do practice it. Actually, just by lying on my bed and taking it slow the last few days, is a huge act of self-love for me.
I used to burn myself out, just to feel worthy. I took on too many clients, because I thought I had to.
So, allowing myself to relax and make time for creative passions, is an act of self-love for me.
But there was something else. Something was still wrong. My thoughts wandered. And finally a voice, my voice, asked the question:
“Do you really think you finished your journey? Do you really believe your own path towards love & courage ends here?”
I had to lie with this for a while. I thought I had arrived. Through the stormy seas, the rainy days, the sunny mornings and the frightening nightmares, I thought I had arrived.
And all of the sudden, I realized I don’t practice everything I preach!
I truly believe in the magic of being multi-passionate. And I believe, we can only fully blossom once we found the courage to put our whole selves on the table.
I thought I already followed my passions by having a creative agency & a coaching business. But why did I still feel like something was missing?
Simply because I still haven’t arrived, my journey is not over & I have yet to put my whole self out there…
The writing lunacy began
A rush of energy was suddenly flowing through my body. I grabbed my journal and started to write. I love journaling. It is one of the most important tools for me. Journaling really is beneficial in so many ways, when done right. I used journaling to work on my money mindset, improve my self-love & body image, work through my limiting beliefs & so much more.
While sometimes it is easier to answer specific questions, this time I simply started writing…
“It is all about creating a calm and inspirational atmosphere. A safe & sacred space for everyone on a journey to love, courage & following their creative passions.”
I wrote down all of what I love, what I want to share with the world. After one hour of writing down everything I ever loved doing, everything I want to create & everything I picture for my own life – I sat there in disbelief.
How did I even share the message of “following your heart, of self-love & the beauty of being multi-passionate” when I did not allow myself to live by that?
It felt like I just started a new chapter of my own love & courage journey (my book will have one chapter more as well now).
Where I lost & found myself
poetry, violin, love, courage, empowering women, creativity, multi-passionate, inspiration, art
kept on dancing through my mind, dancing around the question, where did I lose myself?
At which point did I start lying to myself, pretending I was completely fulfilled & following my true nature?
There were huge warning sign, I had not arrived & instead there is yet a long way to go:
- I never felt comfortable with selling my offers
- I spent hours of scrolling through IG feeds that spoke to my soul instead of creating content from my heart for my own blog or feed
- I worried about my common thread, about my niche and if people would understand my combination of a creative agency and coaching
- I wanted to share my truth, but whenever I wrote a super personal piece, I realized, it doesn’t really fit to coaching – more to being me & being a multi-passionate – I never published those pieces thinking, people will get confused
I love coaching. I am the Women’s Love & Courage Coach. I adore my clients and I know, coaching creative women is part of my purpose. There is no doubt about that.
But there is so much more I want to share, I want to create. And these past days of reflecting, then writing out all of my thoughts & plans & passions, I found the true common thread – myself.
I wrote out my new big picture, not following any rules, thinking about a niche, about what “makes sense”, simply writing down what I really want to share, how I want to share it and why.
I found myself. I found my holistic purpose. It is more than love, more than courage, more than coaching, more than words, more than music – it is all of these combined, in a unique way – in my way.
All of this just happened a few days ago. And what I want to show you here, is not only, that journaling is an amazing tool, but that you should always listen to your gut feeling & be aware of the warning signs – because I knew I hadn’t arrived yet!
But the societal expectations, the need for external validation & the fear of not being acknowledged, things I thought I didn’t care about anymore, kept me playing small.
If you feel deep down inside, that something is still wrong, sit quietly, listen to your gut feeling & most importantly, be honest to yourself!
Love & Courage